I have to admit, sometimes I hate being a girl. Not just cause of reasons like bleeding every month, but more so because of the emotional ups and downs that come with womanhood. What I wouldn’t give to just take a break from being so in tune with my emotions.
Being totally honest though, I do think I’m more in tune with my emotions than some other women, so I think it’s more of a me problem than just a generalization. But society has decided that women are more emotional, so I tell myself that’s it. It’s easier that way.
There are plenty of times that being so in touch with my emotions is really beneficial, but unfortunately there’s also times like today where it ruins a perfectly good thing. I think it’s time for a story.
There’s this person, let’s call them Alex. Alex and I have known each other for a good few years now. If I were to share our story in it’s entirety that would likely take too long, so instead I’ll break it up into separate parts.
Alex and I went through a few different stages in our relationship, and there was a period in which we didn’t talk for about a year. Until around this time last year when I reached out to them. Don’t ask me why, but I just felt like I should, so I did. To my surprise, they responded, and even pretty quickly at that. We were both about to go our separate ways for school again, but agreed that maybe next time we were both home we would hang out again.
We talked a handful of times over the months, and then suddenly it was summer and we were both home again. Alex wasn’t convinced about the hanging out idea at first, but they came around to it and next thing I knew we were going to a concert together.
I would say that the concert was the start of us being friends again, and I will admit I was a little hesitant at first and I had every reason to be. With the history we had, it almost would have been more worrisome if I hadn’t been at all hesitant.
But here’s the thing you need to know about Alex, I swear they are my weakness. I couldn’t tell you what it is about them, but no matter how hard I tried, the hesitancy didn’t last long. Something about them always convinces me that everything is fine, that I don’t need to worry. There’s no judgement with them. There’s no concern about saying the wrong thing. Once I get a reminder of what it’s like to spend time with Alex, I never want to stop.
Back to the concert, that was the first time we had seen in other in probably 2 years? Something like that. But we spent about 9 hours together that day, and yet I still wasn’t ready to go home at the end. It was like that every time I saw them, I was never ready for it to be over. Spending time with them was too much fun, I don’t think I could ever get tired of their company.
This proved to be problematic though. See with the history that we had already, there was some hesitations about what it was we were looking for. Alex made it very clear that they didn’t want this to be anything more than friends, and I agreed. Or so I thought I did.
I had every intention of only being friends. I convinced myself that I was okay with that. I truly thought I was. I had enough going on in my life at the time anyways, it wouldn’t make sense to be anything more than friends with anyone anyways. So I told them we could just be friends, and that that would work for me.
So, we kept hanging out. We would chat every now and again, and would hang out every so often. It wasn’t anything terribly often, but somehow it was enough. I slowly started realizing that I didn’t think I was going to be okay with the friends thing. There was a part of me that had always wanted Alex to be my knight in shining armor, and I couldn’t keep ignoring that.
I was mad at myself more than anything. Here was someone who’s company I genuinely truly enjoyed, more so than a lot of people I’ve met over the years. Why did my silly emotions have to come in and ruin what we had going? Why, why couldn’t I be okay just being friends? I wanted to be okay with it, and I really did try. But the longer things went on, the more I knew that I couldn’t just ignore it anymore.
In the past I might have chosen to ignore the feelings and told myself it would be better that way cause then at least I could still see Alex. But that’s the thing about growth, somewhere in growing up I realized that I’m no longer okay with that. I knew that continuing down this path was only going to make things harder for me, and also it wasn’t fair to either of us.
Alex was straightforward with me about what they wanted, I owed it to them, and to myself, to be straightforward with what I was feeling. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us to keep hanging out, when I knew that thing’s weren’t going to change and I was going to keep getting disappointed when they didn’t. So I had to do something.
It’s not easy when what you want and what you feel will be best for you are two completely different things. Especially in this situation. I made the decision to tell Alex how I was feeling, and they confirmed that they had not changed their stance on the matter. So we agreed to stop hanging out. Really, Alex asked how I wanted to move forward, and I decided that not seeing them was what I needed to do. By no means do I want to stop spending time with them, it’s one of the last things I would ever want for myself, but I think it’s what needed to happen.
It almost made it worse that they were so understanding and respectful in letting me take the lead going forward. A part of me wanted to be mad at them, cause it would be easier to deal with that way, but there was no way I could be. They hadn’t done anything wrong, they dealt with it wonderfully actually. There was no room for me to mask my emotions with anger towards them.
I struggled with the decision for a while, both before and after speaking with Alex about it. Because if it really is the right decision then why does it make me so sad to think about? But alas, the right decision isn’t always the one that makes you happier in the moment. It will likely take some time before I see any benefits of this decision, but I’m trusting that it will all work out.
Saying goodbye to Alex in that moment is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do lately. Part of me will never forgive myself for this decision, a part of me will always wish I hadn’t done it, because if I hadn’t done it at least I could’ve kept spending time with them. I wouldn’t feel so miserable right now had I just left things alone.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to really put it in to words, but Alex will always hold a special spot in my story. I really don’t know why, but saying goodbye to them almost feels like losing a part of myself. I know it sounds cheesy, and I don’t know why it feels that way, but all I know is that it does.
I’ve always been confused why I’ve felt so drawn to Alex. I don’t think I’ll ever really know, but something about them just feels right to me. This has always annoyed me, it never felt reasonable to care about them as much as I do, but here we are. It doesn’t make logical sense, and I don’t like things that don’t make logical sense. Hardly anything makes logical sense when it comes to Alex though, and boy it’s caused me some sleepless nights.
I never would have expected myself to care so much about someone after the story we’ve had. Hell, I cared enough that after saying goodbye to them I had to go throw up. It feels like one of those dramatic moments that only happens cause I’m an emotional girl. But lately I’ve been giving myself more credit. It was a hard enough decision that my body had a physical response. and that’s okay. That’s not something to be ashamed of. That’s not just me being dramatic. I need to let myself have those moments and feel those things. I mean how else will I get them out of my system?
Even though Alex doesn’t seem to be my knight in shining armor right now, there will always be a part of me (probably a large part) that will hope that we cross paths again later in life. I just think that for the time being, I’m putting myself first even if it means I’ll be unhappy for a little while. After the amount of tears I’ve shed because of Alex over the years, this had better not be a final goodbye. I can’t imagine a world in which I never speak to them again, and I really don’t want to try. For now, I’ll let myself keep crying cause the best way forward is through, through the emotions and missing this person. I just have to keep moving and I’ll be okay.
